As Yet Untitled

10 years ago, my grandmother, my halmoni, passed from this world into eternity.

On the 10th anniversary of her death, my mom and I were talking about her. She was telling me what an amazing person my grandmother was... not that I didn't know, but she was giving me a different perspective, talking about the side of my grandmother that I never really had the opportunity to know. She told me that my great-grandparents held my grandmother very dear, more than propriety may have allowed in that generation. It didn't jive with me because I knew that my grandmother was my grandfather's second wife. Why would my great-grandparents marry her off as a second wife if she was so treasured?

My mom told me it was because my grandfather was also my grandmother's second husband. Apparently, my grandmother had been married before, but her first husband beat her. So she did the unthinkable... she left. She went back to her parents, who welcomed her home with open arms. Later, she married my grandfather (whose first wife either became mentally ill or became a Communist-- I don't think people distinguished between the two in those days) and moved far away from her hometown to begin a new life with him.

When my mom was telling me about my grandmother's divorce, she told me it must have taken a lot of independence and strength, which my grandmother passed down to us (my mom and me). That worried me. See, I've always been a fairly independent person, and I always considered it a good thing, but in the past few years, it's caused some problems, particularly in my relationships with people. Independence isn't so conducive to a situation that requires a partnership... so in the past few years, I've wondered if maybe independence and this type of strength is actually a weakness of sorts. Not being inclined to depend on others, have I been closing myself off to deeper relationships?

A year after my grandmother passed, my mother followed in her footsteps and divorced my father. Realizing that, my worries increased.

But, in reflecting on this conversation, I realized something else. God, in His infinite wisdom, is able to take our flaws and our failings and use them to His glory. Even things that our faith may teach us are sins can be used according to His will. If my grandmother had bowed to convention and stayed married to her first husband, she may not have survived to have children. She would never have gotten remarried, never moved to Jeonju where she met God. She may never have had three generations of descendants who are believers. My mother would never have been born. I would never have been born.

When my mom divorced my dad (and don't get me wrong... it wasn't because he was abusive), I thought she had failed. And sinned. But in truth, my parents' divorce has taught me things about life and made me strong enough to deal with subsequent hardships that may have ruined me otherwise. And in turn, those hardships have put me in a unique position to counsel my friends when they're in similar situations. They've allowed me to listen and accept their hurts and nudge them towards God. Ultimately, I wish my parents were still married. But I'm so thankful for the ways that God has been able to use the situation to build my heart.

Independence is my grandmother's legacy. And I think it's something that I'll continue to struggle with, learning how to temper it enough to go deeper with my relationships, and also to submit more fully to God. But I don't think I will, or should, or even can think of it as a weakness. It's what has allowed me to be my own person-- more importantly, I think it's what has allowed me to break from the example of my parents' marriage and understand that their failings don't also have to be my failings.

I wish my grandmother had lived long enough for me to know her as an adult. Greedy, I know, especially considering how much she gave of herself to me when I was growing up. And greedy that I would want to keep her out of heaven longer so that I could have spent more time with her. But, can you blame me?